normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.