End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
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S/o to @funTweeters .
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school