I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
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Ooh I do like a good funnel
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)