Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
You Might Also Like
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.