Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
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“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait