me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
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WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
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“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets