ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
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CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Anyone want a chair?
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.