Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
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if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Flowers bee like
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Spider-cat: No One Home
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.