I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
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Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Saturday