ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
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9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.