He-man has a Masters degree
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Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Woke up against my better judgement again
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
I’m tired tomorrow.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific