127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
You Might Also Like
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
I get distracted pretty eas
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Oh thanks BBC.
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!