Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
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went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic