[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
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No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Ion see the issue
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.