My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
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Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Every time.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat