My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
You Might Also Like
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain