The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Not today. 😅
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog