Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
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Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work