[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
You Might Also Like
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
After 35, your body ages in dog years
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant