talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
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Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
Word!
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong