I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
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WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
This kid will have a bright future.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.