your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
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It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”