Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
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A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.