Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
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I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.