Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
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Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
My purse is deeper than some people.