Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
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Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me