I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
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Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I put the hot in psychotic.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Peter Parker Peter Driver
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”