[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
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I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Just grow your own
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved