All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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I am yelling
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
(yawn)
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.