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All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Well, my evening plans are ruined
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me