Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
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me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Banana is the quietest snack
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
*sewing*
A thread
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.