Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
You Might Also Like
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Are you a cat person or a person person?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
What if all the cashiers are married?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure