Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
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Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
A tragic love story in two pictures.