Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
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me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah