Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
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[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
me opening up to someone
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”