Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
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I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week