[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
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[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime