As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
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why am I working on Labor Day
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
My whole life was a lie.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…