If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
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After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]