serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
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Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
if a cop pulls u over play dead
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”