I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
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If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
they really do be looking like this
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?