If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
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Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?