[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
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Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
m’lady
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
ouch