[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
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My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
At least my masseuse has my back.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.