cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
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In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
ok what if you’re in the school pickup line and you see a woman eating from a charcuterie board in her car, would you judge me?
i mean her would you judge her
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
oh shit
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there