Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.