I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.