Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
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Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid