My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
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[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.