A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
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Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
My dad had a new radiator fitted, then realised you could no longer open the drawer. So he remade the drawer like this to correct his mistake. This sort of thing explains a lot of my upbringing.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?